Blood on the Tzitzits
Everyday, when I wake up, my feet hit the ground and I say Modeh Ani and head to the bathroom for personal hygiene. I say the blessing over washing my hands, exit the bathroom and center myself in prayer with the beginning of wisdom.
You see, I grew up in Urban America, the Southside of Chicago specifically, as a Black male. I was taught to be as docile as possible at all times (even in times of tragedy and fear), as to not incite fear of White folks, which may cause them to panic and not be responsible for their response. So while you may not have considered these next few things to be something important, as a survivor of police violence, I use them for spirituality and to potentially save my life.
The first thing I grab is my wallet. While having it and pulling it out if the police ask, may result in police violence, I know from personal experience that not having it gives them probable cause to detain me as it is a violation called vagrancy, which is punishable by various means that are all based on the discretion of the officers and the municipality mandates.
SIDENOTE: Going through the journey to become a Jew, I made it a priority to learn about the rituals. Things like wearing tzitzits, a kippah and payot stuck out to me as they seemed to be a way to outwardly express what I felt inside. The spiritual centering around these rituals had me excited about converting and adopting them as my own.
The next thing I do before leaving is I check my payot to ensure my flexi rods gave them a nice curl. Then I don my tzitzits and finally, usually the velvet kippah for style points. I stop by the mirror to check to ensure I look proper then I grab the leash for my big Buddy Red. Then we go for our walk at 0530. All of this just to leave the house when it is dark and walk my dog but why?
I noticed the one day, that I feel safer walking my dog (Red May his memory always be for a blessing) now than I did a few years ago and I sat with it and now I think I understand why.
See, if the police were to commit violence against me today and I only have my payot or kippah or both, the kippah can easily be discarded and then I can be portrayed as some sort of hoodlum because of my tattoos and ignorance would say I have a funny hairstyle. When people see me in person, most ask me about my tzitzits, I often give the BS answer that I’m trying to normalize them for converts and such, and to non Jews I offer an explanation of their importance to me. But the reality is that I wear them to remember the mitzvot as well as protection.
See I know that if law enforcement were to do me harm and force my body to be laid in the streets for hours, I just won’t be counted as a body in the streets, but they can’t hide the strings or take them off, so it would be easy for people to fathom the disrespect not only to the communities of Americans of African descent, American Descendants of Slavery and the Jewish community both locally and nationally.
I pray that this message does not come off as misappropriating. I just feel like HASHEM led me to a space where I can use these tools to not only start conversations that cause enlightenment for those that are seeking the oneness, but also a way to ensure that law enforcement is not in a position to decide my fate… again.
After all these things, I leave out knowing that if they get me it’s gonna be Blood on the Tzitzits and that is a different conversation than we been having about Black folks dying in the street.
I thank you for listening to my D’Var Torah.
I love you all and there is nothing you can do about it!
Sean
